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Why do i still love my abusive ex boyfriend

Carolina is a PhD student, writer and pole dancer. Here, she shares her experiences with Cosmopolitan UK, and explains why the bad boy narrative is actually really dangerous. W hen I was 21, my life looked perfect on paper. It was , and I was just about to graduate with a high mark in my journalism degree. I had loads of friends, a very supportive family, and had grown up in a very protective environment in Sardinia, before moving to London to study. But, when graduation rolled around, I felt lost and lonely.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: My Abusive (ex) Boyfriend's "Girlfriend"

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SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Q&A Why Do I Miss The Narcissist?

It’s Hard When You Miss Your Abusive Ex

Dear old love,. I remember the last time clearly. I was My boyfriend was in the shower, the guy I dated right after you. I was in the adjacent room and felt suffocated by how he was just a room away. The space between us was so little. I was used to you and me, and there had been a whole continent and many oceans between us.

I hated myself so much; a kind of visceral, all-consuming hate that was gifted to me by people I trusted, by you. I couldn't stand to be loved. So as the cold sweat of anxiety broke within me, I picked up a pen and a sheet of paper. I needed to feel safe again. I wrote in a frenzy. I wrote that I regretted we were over. I said that I made a mistake in moving on with someone else.

I said that I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. Even though you told me just a few months ago to leave the man I was with and date you again. We really hated me. And then I called you up and read the letter to you. You seemed unmoved. I held on to the phone for a few minutes longer, five or maybe even ten, hoping that something would change. That maybe like medicine or a magic potion, my words would take a while to sink in and heal you of your hatred towards me. But you were immune to my words.

So I hung up. I did not know how to love you just right but I loved you with everything I had. And even though you claimed it was not the correct way to love, you took it all and never returned any of it.

I kept seeking versions of you for years to come in my lovers, friends, and even employers. People who would devalue me, take from me, and never give me anything back. I created the scenario for myself over and over again, allowing it to happen, perhaps even seeking it put so that I could play out the only script I knew.

I spent most of my twenties with that script. I covered up who I was, apologising profusely when the tiniest bit of me sneaked its way out of the mould we crafted together during my teenage years. That you would lose me if I outgrew that mould. This, here, right now, is that fear of yours realized like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I am sorry. I am sorry that you were broken enough to break me, beautifully, devastatingly, life-alteringly.

I hope you know that now. I hope that you are now a good partner, who knows how to love and be loved in return. Who knows how to listen attentively, to hold gently, to make room for his woman to grow into and be who she truly is. I hope that you are now a man who can appreciate a love letter. So I want to leave a bit of love in it. Not a love that cloaks my experiences or shuns my voice, but one that reminds you how love can look like many things.

And the most powerful of them all is the love we cultivate for the truth in our story. My truth is now my love. And for one last time, I give it to you. I hope you use it well. Sign in. Soumya John Follow. Onward, S. I Love You Relationships now. Love Letters Relationships Dating Essay. Essays on love, loss, healing, mental health and identity. Read more on my IG: shorturl. I Love You Follow.

See responses 2. More From Medium. Barry Davret in P. I Love You. Jessica Wildfire in P. Are You Toxic? Tara Blair Ball in P. Carrie Wynn in P. Thought Catalog in P. Kirstie Taylor in P. Discover Medium. Make Medium yours. Become a member. About Help Legal.

I Am Happy Now, Why Do I Miss My Ex?

He's a ghost to me. He's left fingerprints all over my body, mind, and soul. Image: Thinkstock.

I miss my abusive ex-boyfriend. I will always love parts of him. Nobody wants to hear how parts of me will always be in love with him.

Going through a breakup can be hard, even traumatic. Even though you have moved on and are happy in your life at the moment, it can be hard to shake the feelings you have for your ex. Getting fully over your ex will take time, but there are things that you can do to help put these feelings aside. Addressing these feelings can help you identify the underlying cause of them, so you can be truly happy in the present moment.

5 Things to Remember When You Still Love the Abusive Partner You Left

Dear old love,. I remember the last time clearly. I was My boyfriend was in the shower, the guy I dated right after you. I was in the adjacent room and felt suffocated by how he was just a room away. The space between us was so little. I was used to you and me, and there had been a whole continent and many oceans between us. I hated myself so much; a kind of visceral, all-consuming hate that was gifted to me by people I trusted, by you. I couldn't stand to be loved. So as the cold sweat of anxiety broke within me, I picked up a pen and a sheet of paper.

5 Reasons Why You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex

He was controlling and manipulative. He gaslit me and used silence as a punishment. I was constantly walking on eggshells. I cannot resolve the countless men who hurt and traumatize women while avoiding any consequences.

Of course not.

Everyone abandons me. It makes me want to die. Days would go by where my inner life consisted of fighting the urge to message her and make sure she knew I was still around for her. After finding myriad ways to show me I was worthless to her within and without the relationship, her pain was mine and became something I needed to treat.

Why I’m Nice To My Abusive Ex

Falling in love happens to us — usually before we really know our partner. Research shows that even victims of violence on average experience seven incidents before permanently leaving their partner. It can feel humiliating to stay in an abusive relationship.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: My Ex Is Toxic But I Love Them And I Am Thinking Of Getting Back Together

Nonetheless, a partner whose characteristics and interests that differ from your own can be stimulating and exciting. My boyfriend and I were nothing like that. We did not sync our calendars, wear matching outfits or post idyllic videos for all our mutual friends and followers to see. Our love was imperfect, and, as many survivors of abusive relationships know all too well — addictive. Our recipe of love contained a narcissist , an empath and a flood of insecurities.

Why Do We Love an Abuser?

Getting dumped by your partner is painful. It's even more devastating when that partner was abusive. It can take a while after a break-up to realise the damage your toxic ex-partner was doing to you. However, once you do understand what happened to you, you're likely to be angry, hurt, or even jealous of their new relationships. As tempting as it might be to try and seek revenge in some way — or warn their future partners of their real personality — the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. After all, if they abused you, they got off on their power over you, so any reaction from you now will be exactly what they want. According to Perpetua Neo, a doctor of psychology and therapist , any reaction you make will also feed their ego. And you want to consciously choose not to do that, knowing they will do anything to get you to respond.

Feb 17, - Our love was imperfect, and, as many survivors of abusive relationships know all too well – addictive.

But abusive relationships are not completely bad or completely hurtful which is why they are so difficult to transition out of. When transitioning out of an abusive relationship—especially if it is not your first abusive relationship—you have to reconfigure everything you thought you knew about yourself and other people. To learn that the past almost-three years have been three of my most damaging—even though they were with the person I loved more than anyone— makes my head hurt because A.

By Nicole H. When talking about domestic violence, most people assume that the survivor will be the one who will take steps to leave the relationship. After all, most abusive partners do not want to give up the control they have over their partners and will attempt to keep them in the relationship as long as possible. When an abusive partner ends the relationship, there are ways to process the breakup so you can start to heal and recover.

You understand that your ex was an abuser and that you finally can be happy because you got rid of him. And actually you should be happy because no one deserves to be a victim of abuse. So you ask yourself why you still miss him, are you normal, and what is wrong with you? First of all, nothing is wrong with you, you are fine.

We hear from many people who are in abusive relationships, and even those who have left relationships, but say that they love their abusive partner.

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